Life is so fleeting

Life is so fleeting and death doesn't have a "type." I think since Anabelle has been sick I've had such an awareness of sadness and loss, more than ever before. A friend posts of a family that has lost a wife and mother to brain cancer,  another friend posts of a young friend killed by a gunshot, I notice another friends page who lost her daughter to the same disease Anabelle has, a conversation with a friend who lost their child before it was born, and for me an anniversary of my grandpa passing away 8 years ago in a car accident. Death is not just for the elderly. Death has a way of sneaking up on us and leaving us full of guilt and regret for all of the things we felt like we should have said or could have done. But it doesn't have to be that way, does it? I know that it's so easy to live our days as if we know we will have more. I am by no means saying I'm perfect but I think seeing how short life can be in my daughters sweet eyes reminds me how fast it can go. In one year I watched her go from walking to rolling to laying, from sentences to words to no speech, and from eating solids to purees to tube fed. And although Anabelle's condition is rare don't you often hear the elderly say that it all went by in a flash? Doesn't each day feel like it's going that fast? What feels like just yesterday, I remember being a freshman in High School thinking these next four years are never going to end and now I've been out for 5 years. There isn't any way to stop it, time that is. But we can try to use our time more effectively can't we? We had a friend over at the house and he asked how our week had been and I thought "oh man its gone by so fast yet I can't remember a single thing I did". I want to feel like I've made a better use of my time. God has given Anabelle such a short amount of time (I'm not ready to find out how short) yet she has touched more lives than I could have ever dreamed for my own life, although it's nothing she has done on her own. It's all God. He has given her a spirit that is so inviting. You just can't help but love her. I hold on to the hope that God has a great and marvelous plan for her, and He shows it to me often. My lesson from all of this is,  it doesn't matter the number of our days it's how we let God use us in them for His Glory. I would like to think that if we live our lives full of love and relationships as Jesus commanded us, the loss of a loved one wouldn't leave us with such an empty feeling. And I can tell you from personal experience, letting God lead your days sure makes life worth living and the days a lot more full. Thanks for listening to my thoughts. I pray that we can work towards this together. "This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it" Psalm 118:24

Flagger Ahead... Prepare to Stop

Hey there!

Welcome to my new blog. I didn't want to bog up Anabelle's progress blog with all of the things that are on my mind so I figured I'd just make a new one. I've kind of felt like my life has turned into a construction zone. Often as Christians we tend to say that we are under construction. I believe it is on Ruth Graham's (Billy Graham's wife) gravestone it reads "End of Construction--Thank you for your patience." Lately I feel as though God has been the flagger in my "construction zone". I am plugging along (usually in a hurry) and BAM construction zone "please stop." UGH! Now I'm going to be late. And you smile lightly at the flagger when really your head is screaming "Hurry up and get out of the way so I can get home." With everything going on with Anabelle, I'm really starting to feel God telling me to stop being in such a hurry, be patient and breathe. God is standing there in the middle of the road and everything in me wants Him to move out of the way. But I know I need to rely on Him because He knows what is safest for me. I can hear Him saying "Alex, stop and enjoy these moments with you're daughter. Don't take these days for granted. Because up ahead is some rocky gravel and some heavy equipment, and if you don't stop now you may regret it." And I just don't see myself making it to the other side safely without Him.

That was probably a bad analogy but here is what I'm really trying to drive home (pun intended)... I need to stop expecting beautiful things to just happen and just start making them happen. It is very hard for me to remember the times I had with Anabelle when she could talk and not get angry that I can't communicate with her now. Same with her walking, moving and eating. It is hard for me to look at her and engage with her because I often only think about what was and not what is. God really needed to stop me and show me how much I need to accept her just the way she is now. Not how she was in the past or what she might have been without this disease but what she is now, right now. And embracing that this last week has changed my outlook on her and our situation. It is not doing her (or me, really) any favors to dwell on the "what if's?". My good friend Kindi told me this week about how her daughters always treat Anabelle like she is just another one of the girls; like she is really no different at all, and that was what I needed to hear. To accept her as she is and look past who she was. That is what I needed Him to show me and Anabelle is more beautiful now because of it.